That got me wondering what he would write had he reviewed my book(s). But in light of that oversight by the NYT, I felt as though I should add these thoughts to the conversation and update one of the few remaining blogs I had authored - for you. So here is the second part of Building Wealth in a Paycheck-to-Paycheck World - the retirement part.
The last post I entered on this site happened almost six years ago. Since then, I have retired the site that would be considered as the main location for all of my financial thoughts. BlueCollarDollar.com (this link takes you to the Wayback Machine - my other work literary resume can be found at paulpetillo.com) was officially deleted for a number of reasons: 1) It was entirely written in html, which meant that I could not, as Google requested 2) secure the site and 3) make it mobile friendly. Because the site was hand built and WordPress was not available, the process of updating and recoding 1989 urls simply proved to be too much.
That, and I was still working in a job that was ramping up to take in excess of 60 hours of my work week. So something had to go and the BCD was shutdown. It closed with a Google Page Rank of 4 (SEO folks will understand what that means - the New York Times according to one page rank checker available for free is only a Page Rank of 5.)
If I had known what I know now, I may not have "retired" the site - because another retirement came my way just a couple of months ago. I have not written a word about it since the day I actually left - a post on Facebook garnered quite a bit of support, with the obvious exception of a single person who worked with me posting a word. It could be expected though considering the fear that surrounds everyone who is left working in that establishment. I will address this condition throughout this post.
So what is retirement really like from a person who wrote about how to retire for almost twenty years. The following post will be broken down into the following segments: Fear, Guilt, Assessment, and Conditions.
Fear
Most people who know me well enough to consider me more than an acquaintance know that I tend to hurdle forward without much in the way of fear. Psychology Today describes fear as :"an emotional response induced by a perceived threat, which causes a change in brain and organ function, as well as in behavior. Fear can lead us to hide, to run away, or to freeze in our shoes.
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fear /ˈfir/ noun
an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. |
That does not mean that the emotional response of everyone around me would not be impacted. It was and is an ongoing issue, even if it after a number of months it has subsided somewhat. I have described my exit as inelegant however, compared to the way I was treated in the closing months of my employment, my reaction to the incredibly spineless offer made to me to "stay in the job and get fired or take a demotion and get fired later" on the Friday after a weeklong trip to the farthest reaches of the company. The third option in this increasingly hostile environment was to retire - without the cake.
Keep in mind, this job commanded almost 70 hours of my week so the withdrawal from the demands of assisting 132 locations in an almost innumerable amount of small-to-large crises, creating cost savings where there were previously none and advancing the most ambitious sustainability programs that the company (not just the division I worked in) was not going to be easy.
I was incredibly successful at everything I undertook or was assigned - with one exception: I could not converse in any meaningful way with the person who would ultimately determine my fate. This particular VP of Hair-on-Fire was a volatile and close-minded individual who seemed to discharge someone from her service based on each time she was passed over for promotion. Yes, age and gender also played a role and I do get that this is the time when women need to take a commanding role in leadership (which was a very white male forward operation - and in many ways still is). It is their time. I get it. It is long overdue.
And despite my unwavering commitment to the company, I failed at bowing down to her in the manner she expected. (I had no idea how to!) Nothing I did was unsupportive however successful I seemed to become in my own role. Nothing I did was for my own advancement - I was simply trying to do my best in a role that few understood in an environment that could have cared less how much money I was saving for the company in the execution of my duties. I was apolitical and that is not a good survival tactic. I'm also a man and we are inherently stupid. I did see myself as the best middle manager a company could hope for - too old to shoot for promotion and too close to retirement to discard my own self-described ambition to leave the company better than I found it.
So I spent the weekend online tidying up what I could, calling all of my directs (except one incredibly disloyal subordinate that I inherited from a previous supervisor) and reaching out to specific vendors to thank them for their help and patience.
On Monday morning, at 5am, I entered the office with just my laptop, credit card and ID badge - I knew there would be footage so the wearing of shorts and t-shirt helped dismiss whatever questions might arise - crafted a note to my direct supervisor, an ambitious self-determined person who I believe could have cared less about anyone but her own gain and in it, outlined the hostile environment in which I was forced to retire from earlier than I had intended. In my mind, I needed another four years just to shore up the financial aspect of this process. But I had been preparing for this moment for over a decade.
I was fearless.
However I did not accurately gauge my wife's own fears as well as I should have done. She had grown up in a household that had suffered financial instability and had a focus on money that went beyond the planning stages directly to the worry. I had no fear because I believed in my plan and followed my own advice.
So how financially prepared was I to walk away from a good, benefit-laden position? While I had managed to lock in a pension from another career I had retired from almost a decade earlier, which, if I lived to be ninety would be worth well over a million dollars. Certainly nothing to sneeze about ad as far as pensions were concerned, it was well-funded and very well could last my whole life without interruption. My wife was drawing her Social Security. However, in my mind, this combination of income was my wife's retirement and the income I would provide to the mix would come in the form of my Social Security (which if I wait long enough will be substantial - in the $2200 per month range) and from my 401k, which is another $200k. We have a home worth a million dollars, which was to be sold as part of the retirement plan. This downsizing or whatever you want to call it will create a paid for house and an additional $400k in investable, nest egg cash. And we are incredibly healthy for our ages.
I was fearless. And yet, it is not about me.
So if I have a flaw in the plan I designed and wrote about for all those years it was the kids, all grown and yet somehow still dependent. The economic downturn in 2008, which prompted me to save even more despite the rash selling of assets that my coworkers were doing - even after they asked me what to do, coupled with the incredible rise in popularity of the Pacific Northwest that pushed the equity of my home higher also pushed the overall cost of living to untenable levels for those offspring. Two returned to the nest. And this has created a financial drain on the system I had in place. This was difficult to predict twenty years ago when we formulated this plan. But it is not a deal breaker by any means.
So my wife did worry and rightly so. She was angry with my (previous employer) and rightly so. She was all the emotion and that included fear that I was so comfortably devoid of. If you are planning for retirement, I do not believe you can anticipate this type of overriding anger even if the money is in place. She was pissed but I was grateful. I was fearless.
Guilt
Retiring means transferring to a new tribe. During the day, you are likely to encounter your fellow tribe members walking their dogs or simply strolling if the weather permits. As a young member of this new group, I am unaware of the language of retirement. I am not prone to complain, so that interaction will be limited to listening rather than sharing. That's fine; I'm a relatively good listener even if I tend to suffer when encountering stupidity.
This tribe is noticeably older looking than me. I know this because when I tell people that I am retired (which in concept I am; in principle I have only left my previous job), they say you look too young. They say the same about my wife when she reveals her age. So while the tribe is ours, we still feel as though we are fringe members.
The guilt I feel is not really guilt. I didn't do anything wrong nor am I offering an apology for anything. I imagine this feeling of doing something that I probably shouldn't be doing - enjoying my wife (I do have an intense regard for time and feel as though, if anything could be drawn from my early exit, it was getting these precious years to call our own), enjoying my big brain (I have novels to finish and a new business to run - more on that later in the Assessment section) and actually getting the house staged for sale - or for future comfort if we decide, for whatever reason, to hang in for several more years.
I feel guilty for having lived a really good life and for having followed my own (published) advice. I am an optimist and I have always felt guilty being one. To be an optimist according to Tali Sharot, writing in his 2011 book "The Optimism Bias: A Tour of the Irrationally Positive Brain" is to allow ourselves to allow rational reasoning to be taken hostage, "directing our expectations a better outcome without sufficient evidence to support such a conclusion." So how does one view retirement if not as either an optimist or a pessimist?
The question that always made me most concerned - and plenty of colleagues continue to ask, pulling on an emotion that is both morbid and incalculable - was will you outlive your money? The answer should always be yes. Or as it is quickly redirected, will you have enough money to leave your heirs?
This is a source of guilt. If I retire, you might ask yourself, will you have done so:
- too soon;
- too late to enjoy;
- at the wrong time market-wise;
- or will I continue to work so long as to have my health threatened;
- where will I grow old;
- can I age in place.
Allow me to walk around town and I will be content. And let me find things that make my wife happy. The last expense could also be an unknown and you will never know whether you worked too long to fully enjoy your loved one(s). And because I have found the time I am spending with her now the best benefit of being retired, her retirement wishes need to be calculated as well.
Some experts break down the retirement years as go-go, slow-go and no-go. My wife and I are already in the slow-go stage and ready to take either exit ramp should there be any financial changes. I say slow-go due to the aforementioned lack of need to travel, an expense that is often among the first dollars spent at retirement age, the extended vacation in a bucket list sport somewhere worth bragging about and posting endless pictures of on FB. However, the fact that we skipped that stage should not matter either.
Waste removal companies were not happy as their revenue dropped, at one point as much as $160k in one 30 day stretch. Businesses who had never seen an opportunity with the company were now vendors: styrofoam recovery involved two trucking companies and a recycler, hangar recycling meant finding resellers for discarded mixed materials that, before China decided that the U.S. was not sending recyclable material in the condition we agreed upon and stopped taking our "trash" and was conveniently deposited into a commingle compactor, waxed cardboard, plastic bags and film, and whole host of other materials. However, organic recovery was the lowest of hanging fruit.
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| A screenshot of some of the analytics provided by LinkedIn on who viewed what I posted. |
This has not completely settled and there is still quite a lot of determining how to proceed. My services are needed in the organic recovery effort that some businesses feel as though they are participating in even if they are still failing to remove as much as 40% of the recoverable wasted food (I do prefer the term wasted food over the popular terminology of food waste - because this product is not the end of the line by any means) that is still headed to the landfill. Also, these businesses are tempting fate and lawsuits by sending unexamined food stuffs to animal farms. There is a liability there and the food industry has not embraced this issue - and consumers have not either.
My experience is also needed in the plastics industry. This particular area has an image problem, a logistics issue and a lack of governmental support to achieve a circular economic model. I wrote in a recent post that the price of oil - drill baby drill, or frack baby frack - will be a headwind for this industry and our landfills and our oceans and worse, for future generations. But I have an idea how to fix that as well.
And then there is the novels. I have self-published two of the three books in a trilogy that explores a person's moral dark side. The third is awaiting editing and will be ready to publish in the next month of so. Now that I have a few free hours to devote to selling the idea - and the fourth novel that kills the protagonist in a made for Netflix conclusion to that journey is waiting in concept and is two hundred pages in draft.
Will I go back to work? Possibly. I know what I want to do know moving forward and it will not involve being a martyr for another VP of Hair-on-Fire. There are people who want to change the world and there are people that want to enrich themselves. I want to find people to work with that want to do both.
However, if I was to draw a conclusion from the long essay - one that could be the germ of a follow-up to my first books. Who knows? I have followed my own advice and I have the whole world in front of me and it is mine to do what I want. And I did it without ever earning six figures in any given year - ever.
I will say though, that having my wife with me, someone who laughs and cries freely, my emotional muse who feels things that I do not, jumps at scary movies that do not seem to phase me, acts independently of what others think but somehow at the same time, cares what others think. She is as real people as a person could hope for, fully formed and fragile and strong. I have dedicated every book I have written, every breath I have taken and the reason I rise in the morning.
So that is what retirement is really like. At least what mine is.








